Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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