Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
