Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
