forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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