my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
