I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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