SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
