Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
