I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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