I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
