Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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