When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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