worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
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He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
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For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing