In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.