I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize