I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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