we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
