Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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