so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
