I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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