You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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