he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
