So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
