FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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