You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
