Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize