I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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