The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
