Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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