I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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