The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
