I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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