Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
