you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
