Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
As shirtless as possible
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
