i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
