Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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