bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm getting married
To pizza
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
