any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
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I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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