She's JV to your varsity
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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