Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
