My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
