what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
