Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
