oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
