I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
