I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
