Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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