dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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