Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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