woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
