im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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