The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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