I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
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I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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