so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
