Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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