Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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