ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
