seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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