Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
