my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
All I want is dick and wine.
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