He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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