and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
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The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
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bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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