she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
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i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
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No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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